living life to the fullest
Since I started my Youtube channel in January of 2020, my self-branded slogan has been "live life to the fullest." I've been an ambassador of this "hustle" mentality for the past 3 years, and I'm both proud and somewhat embarrassed to admit that I've probably influenced a fair number of people online and offline to subscribe to a similar lifestyle. I don't necessarily think this was a recent change in how I am personally - I've always struggled to sit still or just be at home as long as I can remember. I was notoriously the first and last kid at the playground and my mom had a lifelong struggle of trying to line up play dates for me. Granted, I don't think I've always been the hardest worker or the strongest planner. I do think that my life since I've entered "adulthood" (defined by the years following my college graduation), I'm somewhat trying to fill every minute of my life doing something - or rather, doing multiple things. As a quick tangent, I find that no one can truly multi-task, but that's for another time.
Of course, my attempt at living life to the fullest has had its ups and downs. I have days where I intentionally do almost nothing, which could be viewed as something, but let's not get too deep. Even recently, there have been Saturdays where I spend the entirety of the morning and some parts of the afternoon in bed infected with content consumption, adding zero value to society or myself. While guilt is definitely knocking on my forehead, I think regret for such a "waste of time" is never really a thing for me. As efficient I like to be, I'm surprisingly lax in my view of how time is spent, as long as it's what I enjoy in the moment.
The past 9 months in NYC, particularly the past 4, has been nothing but living life to the fullest. Since my move here in January, there has not been a single weekend day (inclusive of Fridays) where I'm not part of some social gathering, oftentimes planned weeks in advance due to my "unavailability." While I want to arrogantly attribute this to my wide network and popularity, the reality is that there's an ample amount of optionality in the Big Apple and it's also mostly in part due to my extroverted-ness that I must fulfill. During the week, working at a startup is no joke, and especially given the nature of Web3, I feel (and actually am) always connected in some shape or form to the work. As cringe as it sounds, it's almost impossible to partake in this industry without somewhat making it a lifestyle. And as much as I complain about being busy, in some ways I've become brainwashed enough to enjoy it and don't really see myself letting it go anytime soon. In fact, I don't really recall the last time I actually complained about being busy, more so of wondering if the busy-ness will actually lead to anything at all. I do think I can afford to do things aimlessly at my current age, but unsure how long that would last.
The other "living life to the fullest" aspect of my life has been my commitment to my church, which feels like what my 25 year lifetime has been building up to. It's been my dream to be once again tied so closely to a church, to its people, and to its various ministries. Specifically, nothing brings me more fulfillment and happiness than the youth group I currently serve as a teacher for - frankly, I feel less like a teacher and more like a just another member of the group. While I try my best to lead the students in the best ways, I actually have learned more from them than I have ever in any church setting. I'm constantly in fear that this is only a phase in my life and won't last - but that's for God to decide and I'm trying my best to let go of this fear.
Additionally, I'm also serving as a small group leader for the young adults ministry I'm part of. A lot of aspects of my personal attributes and the fundamentals of this church (inclusive of its culture, structure, my experience and more) make my service not a perfect fit, but I think it's through that imperfection that God truly works. To be fully transparent, there's aspects of this ministry that is often exhausting - I've been quite open about my fear of burning out through serving and whether or not doing this has actually been a positive to my own faith and walk with God. Again, I believe that at this stage in my life I must adhere through obedience, and God will make history. I'm sure that a year from now, my reflection will prove what I hope to become true.
Without complicating things, I think I have been living life to the fullest to somewhat of the best of my abilities. My days fly by, I am rather confident that I am better person today than I am yesterday, and I'm slowly but surely pivoting towards the person I'm meant to be within His story. Granted, I'm not entirely sure if my priorities in the heat of the moment are always aligned correctly. I often question the true motive behind why I continue to do the things I do and even as I write this, I'm struggling with internal conflict for what "fullest" means to me at the moment. If I had to bet, I'd take the side that predicts I burnout before the end of 2022.
I think I've told myself so much that living life to the fullest is what will ultimately make me happy, that at 25 there's nothing better to do with the time that I'm given, and that my current circumstances must be by design and therefore I need to give all I have to what I'm given. I do somewhat worry that much of this is leading to nothing, and perhaps instead of making Youtube videos or writing down my streams of consciousness, and in replacement of spending my Sunday afternoons with high school and middle school kids, I should be actively hitting up the bars of New York City (which to be honest I still do from time to time) and preparing myself for business school.
But for now, I think I'll stick to selling NFTs, buying NYC kids boba, and being the Americanized dude with earrings at a church for Korean internationals.
Go live life to the fullest.