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  • Writer's pictureBryan Jun

being disciplined

I've always been a surprisingly disciplined individual when it comes to lifestyle - I sleep and wake up at reasonable times, never eat candy or drink soda, don't smoke or do drugs, and recently took on being completely alcohol free. This take on life has always bled into how I live life in general when it comes to who I hang out with, the types of risk I take (I'm the type of person that goes to the airport 3 hours early just in case) - in short, it's not limited to what is inputted into my body. Surprisingly, I've been an ENFP for as long as I can remember, and for those not super into the personality test, ENFP's are notorious for being spontaneous which is somewhat contradictory of a disciplined lifestyle. I've often rationalized this contradiction by saying that I live a disciplined life to enable the spontaneous remainder, but recent reflections have made me realize that I truly am an ENFP and much of my stresses come from living under a relatively strict set of self-driven rules. Note that no one in my life past or present has ever forcefully induced these regulations onto me.

This is an interesting dilemma in that it's hard to detach the chicken from the egg - I'm unsure if I've always been or have been "born this way" which is why I am the way that I am and it makes most sense to continue living the way that I do. In fact, if this was true, I should have an even stricter grip on how I live, let go of my ENFP identity and embrace what is supposed to be as opposed to what I believe I am. On the contrast, I could be properly evaluating myself when I take those questionnaires or how most people perceive me, and I need to let go of the way that I have been living to eliminate the unnecessary stress I put myself through by living such a life. My conclusion lately is to try the latter while I'm still young and there's no severe consequences by treating this as a personal social experiment.

I'm not saying that I'm trying my hardest to go buy a pack of cigarettes or start vacuuming up sour patch kids - in fact, one could argue adhering to such activities is just another form of living a disciplined or directed life, just in an opposite direction. I think what I actually need to conform to is to detach myself from being in my head and overly trying to have control over my life, and just letting things flow while giving it my best in areas I care about. If that's not fulfillment, what is? This seems to align well with my world views as well in that more and more I'm coming to the realization that Christianity's essence relies on the cliche known as "let go and let God." There truly is very little that we're in control of, and the more we feel that we are in control, the more likely we're to blame ourselves in failure and unexpected results as well as overthink on every life decision, major or minor, as it falls on ourselves regardless of the consequence. In an immature perspective, there's nothing more freeing than giving it all up to the Lord and letting Him work his magic.

Due to the basis of this ideology, there exists no tangible next steps, in fact the whole idea is to not have tangible next steps and be more reactionary than plan-driven. While it is important to have morals and principles guiding your actions at every turn, I think it's wise to not dictate which turns you're going to take as the road is not yours to build. I do intend on continuing to be an early rise, an enemy of sugar, and an advocate against nicotine, but a big conviction of mine has been to let loose and just live life as it comes. There's no doubt that I'll hold onto what I know to be right and wrong and continuously mold the compass based on my experiences, learnings, and the Word - but I'm really trying my hardest to (or rather, not trying) just enjoy.

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