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  • Writer's pictureBryan Jun

why am I always worried

I actually don't recall the last time I didn't have some form of anxiety or concern - I try my best to blame this onto things (many times faulting it to "investment banking") but now that I'm almost a year out from the profession, it's hard to say that's the root of all evil. I've known for awhile that I'm generally a rather anxious person, with the anxiety never really stemming from something specific. I'm very proud and grateful for the life that I'm able to live and in full acknowledgement that nothing objectively has really gone wrong in my 24 year life time. This is a rather harsh realization that my anxiety then comes really from nothing, and I can really only blame the way that I'm "built" or the overthinking thoughts that come from no source.

Of course, there's different aspects of my life on the daily that either enhance or suppress my anxiety - in some ways I've found this to be a strength and a cause for making it thus far. I'm confident enough to make a rather broad assumption that most decently successful people struggle with some form of anxiety or stress, which in turn causes them to keep pushing or work harder. I think I've wrote about this before (and certainly have made videos on it before) and don't really find a need to dig further, but essentially I don't find the existence of my anxiety anything negative in the long run.

One thing that has bothered me, especially recently as I've been trying to actively put my faith in check, is the idea that any anxiety exists when I'm technically believing an omnipotent and omniscient God, who theoretically knows all there is to come and I lay in his hands. It's logically faulty to be worried about one's life when you also concurrently believe that all is technically already decided upon and the being that you believe to be your "father" and loves your perfectly is in complete control of all that you do. It'd be as if you've boarded a plane with a pilot that has a 100% success rate of flight, with a 0% chance of failure and he knows the plane inside and out, having been the pilot on every single flight the plane has ever been on and ever will be (he even built the plane himself). To take it a step further, even if the plane somehow crashes (which it won't), it is intentional and the best course of action that it meant for you to take. I can take this metaphor a million different ways, but essentially if I were to believe that God is in full control of my life and that I'm already written into his plan, and regardless of what happens to me it is what He believes is the best for me, then why do I have concerns?

The only logical conclusion is that my faith is not strong enough or this anxiety is part of this plan - both of which have merit considering where I'm at in life and in an "objective" evaluation of my life. I've been actively trying to reflect on how I can better myself in this perspective by (1) deepening my relationship with God and (2) trying to get a better understanding of Scripture to see if there's anything I can be implementing to lessen the anxiety. There's always the go-to bible verses like "let tomorrow worry about itself" that I've held on to in times of deep anxiety, but it seems as though I need to be more immersed in the word to completely let go of these anxieties. I know that this is in direct conflict with what I've noted above that it's important to have a certain level of anxiety and stress, but I do think the ultimate perspective I want to achieve is letting all of this go and fully trusting in the Lord to take me wherever I need to go.

I hope that in the near future I'm able to wake up without chest pains or having the smallest worries exaggerate in my mind and be able to focus not only on what's in front of me, but the ample amount of things that are going right for me that I simply do not deserve.

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