And not for the reasons you think.
The walk of faith that we defined to be following Christianity or a follower of Christ is often characterized or simplified by the world as "living a good life" or "following the rules set on by God, Jesus, the Bible, etc." I think often times people see Christians, even not so great ones like me, and project a life of forced holiness and the hardest parts perceived to be following illogical (in the eyes of those that follow secular efficiencies or benefits) pathways and principles.
Giving up 50% of your precious weekend days to offering up free labor, forfeiting the benefits of shared rent prior to marriage, adhering to abstinence across the board from substances to sex (even in "healthy doses" for relaxation or pleasure), and the potential of having controversial if not "hateful" stances on social issues that have now been deemed almost gospel level throughout the modern world (i.e. stances on LGBTQ).
I think such are all fair points and perhaps easier to define, label, and converse around as they're topics that even those without faith can relate to and have been through. In fact, one could argue that non-profit organizations or social clubs may drive people up the wall after committing for awhile as to what the purpose may be of investing time and money into it (can even look at things like celebrity fandoms) as well as noting that a fair bit of Christian principles actually advocate for a healthy lifestyle or "being a good person" - making the argument that simply being a Christian isn't the only route to following such rules, nor having the "struggle" of having to follow them. Realistically, one of the unspoken benefits of Christianity, after all, is that our salvation is not through actions but through belief.
What I find the hardest part of Christianity is that by design, as exemplified throughout the Bible, is the repetition of the degression of our progress in what we call "our relationship with God" or our growth as a Christian. It almost seems that each of us, whether it'd be doubt or jealousy, lust or deceit, are subject to a special "insecurity" (for a lack of better words) that we're individually highly sensitive towards or subject to, by design. One of the most boring yet profound texts in the Bible for me are the Chronicles and Kings, which outlines genealogy and the repeated mistakes of kings and others that continue to commit the same sins and fall from God's glory, even with ample evidence of their forefathers following the same footsteps. Through a 3rd person perspective, nothing can be more stubborn than those that have first hand witnessed God working directly in their lives, often times directly being spoken at through prophets and judges, but continue to fall into the same pitfall generation and generation. However, we're truly no different as we continue to (in theory) believe that God's working in our own lives, but show almost little to no progress, especially in the short term.
My own life is no short of such signs or even miracles that clearly cannot be a long line of coincidences. In my best attempt to not making it a series of weird spiritual flexes, I've experienced:
Visuals through prayer of the pain and suffering of those that I prayed for in Brazil's Amazon River that matched up with their actual life, having no knowledge of them before nor the ability to speak their language
Stopping my friend in high school from taking his own life, also by learning that's something he was thinking of through prayer, without having spoken to him much in depth before (appearing quite normal and happy in his daily life around me)
Avoiding missions one summer and instead going to the same country (Brazil) for a study abroad program, giving offering to the mission field out of guilt, then running into the two missionaries in the middle of that country (where they're not based out of) and at that exact moment receiving an email from my school that I was awarded a grant (that I wasn't qualified for) that was exact amount of what I donated in offering
Having three friends within a span of 15 minutes text me as I laid in pain from a back injury questioning my purpose in life (all of which I've never tried to explicitly evangelize) ask about faith and God
Actively blocking (through my own faults, COVID, availability, etc.) my ability to serve certain ministries within church and then suddenly allowing for the exact opportunity desired at a time when I stopped thinking about wanting to serve, with just the amount of heart and experience to actually make impact
I mean the list can go on, but my point here is that evidence for the existence of God and his majestic plan continues to outweigh any argument against it in my own life (don't get me started on what I've witnessed around me and also within the most bought book in history) - and yet I continue to lose the progress I've made on this personal relationship that I'll summarize as "knowing God's there, knowing he loves me, loving him back, trying my best to show that I love him."
I want to emphasize that this isn't some Christian guilt - it's not that every time I lie or say something that hurts others I'm crunching my insides, scared of God that's about to punish me. The feeling I'm describing here is more like knowing without a doubt, based on my past 100 attempts at going on a diet, that eating a salad and avoiding midnight pasta is good for me and something that makes me not only aesthetically pleasing but brings real benefits to my life, proven out by millions or testimonies worldwide, backed by thousands of dietitians, health fanatics, and doctors across history, and yet when I find myself slurping instant ramen at 3am for the 10th year in a row, I start getting exhausted at the attempts and wonder if the stress over trying to eat healthy is even worth it.
In the grand scheme of things I'm complaining about something that I've been doing independently (let's talk about free will another time), but based on my conversations with other Christians, I think this aspect of what I'll call "mid stage Christianity" is less talked about. People new to the faith are excited - imagine being a freshmen in college or a first year a nice tech firm - and are more concerned about how they can get involved and often fall into the legalistic dilemmas of being scared of sin and stressing about missing their daily devotionals. But I think at this middle stage (I'll just downplay late stage and put a "pastor" or "my grandma who goes to morning prayer for 60 years" sticker on it) where you understand faith, you've done your share of serving, you've cried at your retreats, you've experienced the spiritual highs and lows, the hardship comes from exhaust. Exhaust at yourself for continuing to come back to square one.
Obligatory "the answer of course is Jesus Christ and this is a reminder that you can't do this yourself."
Pray for me!
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