burnout

Burnout is real and I'm recognizing it's been a part of my life for about a year now. I'm not sure which part of me contributes to this the most (being a male, an older sibling, a Korean American, an ex-finance bro, a crypto guy, a wannabe influencer), but facing burnout usually is accompanied by imposter syndrome and a "moral dilemma" in contemplating whether what I feel all day is a result of me wanting to live a lazy life or an actual by product of burnout. I've gone as far as consulting my best friend ChatGPT recently asking about my symptoms and wondering if I'm just leaning on laziness and masking it as burnout, or if there's actually steam coming off my head and my tan has been devolving into a burn. Based on how I've been feeling, I'm going to resort to the latter.

The strangest part about burnout is that it doesn't necessarily lead me to stop doing things. I'd argue that the past year or so results wise has been my most "productive" year yet. Weird flexes incoming, but solely to prove a point: I got engaged to the love of my life, doubled my net worth, started building a board game, managed to survive the crypto bear market, maintained good relationships with my core group of friends, visited my family in Korea three times, stayed active in my church, evangelized to two lifelong friends, came close to my weight goals, fixed my back and shoulder, made the most money I've ever made in a single year, hit all social media metrics I've ever dreamed of, obtained 5 revenue streams, took care of my younger brother (something I've prolonged for some time), and even started taking Spanish lessons. I wouldn't even list these things if they were based on luck, but I'd like to argue some level of marginal effort was put into aspect of my life.

But for some reason, unlike the past 27 years have felt (especially past 5), I don't think I can say that the past year has been the best year of my life. And at this point I'm pretty confident in attributing this to burnout. I know because whenever I try anything new or enhance something already existing, surpass something I've done before, or even focus on the little things in life as I often did to come back from minor spurts of burnout, I still feel the same. I can't think of a better word than burnout to describe this feeling, but to make an analogy if being lazy is having a water bottle to fill and a perfectly fine water pump in front of you to fill it with but simply refusing to press the button, I currently feel like there a giant hole in the water bottle so it's more of a bottomless cylinder and the faucet lost all its screws so it's physically not possible to pull it down.

I know there's some reasons for this, starting with the industry I've been full time in for four years, crypto isn't the most fulfilling sector in capitalism. Nothing shouts working for money's sake, while surrounded by a bunch of "builders" who claim to "build" when in reality all they look to do is find the next dopamine inducing casino that claims to revolutionize the way that people move money (at least people are honest about this now instead of claiming they're changing the world). As a mission-driven person, it probably doesn't help that the water I've been filling my water bottle with since I was 23 has high acidity. My "hobby" of content creation doesn't help either, as views determine accomplishments and the comment section (my "community") is riddled with people who (I'm sorry) have probably not stepped outside of their house in months, lack any form of legitimate social interaction, have not read a book or article beyond X headlines since becoming an adult, and have such a strong opinion on such stupid matters (Korean entertainment news) that they can't control the urge but to comment on some nobody's up-close-to-the-face green screen video. Turning 27 and realizing your physical and mental limits as well as becoming a bit sad about turning into a "real adult" probably doesn't help my case either.

I can probably complain forever about this and other reasons why I feel the way that I do, and I also know that as with all other things the answer is Jesus and that fulfillment won't come from anything else. I'm quite aware, but human existence is all about knowing exactly what to do to solve the problem in front of you (well recently at least) but choosing very actively to no do it so that "you can learn from it," is it not?

The practical (not that Jesus isn't practical) conclusion I keep coming to is I probably need a break from all this and go away to a farm somewhere (which is something all my NYC friends say and I've never seen done) and drink some tea while watching the sunset. But then I'll probably regret the time that I "wasted" and the opportunities I missed out on and look back during this time the same way I regret not studying more in high school or discontinuing my piano lessons.

Let me know if I sound crazy or you feel similarly, but of all the exaggerated "mental health awareness" BS this world professes these days, I am coming to terms with the fact that burn out is real.